It caught me off guard, but it happened. I’m relapsing. Work has been very stressful recently, plus we had a cancer scare with Lindsay, so that was terrifying. Because of all the stress, I didn’t noticed me slipping. My self confidence was getting down at work, which is so unlike me. My work itself was of a lesser quality than I usually do, which was frustrating me. I was having problems remembering things at work, which I attributed to being stressed. I couldn’t make decisiions at work, which again, I attributed to being stressed. This week I started losing my appetite and waking up with an overwhelming sense of dread, which silly me, attributed to stress at work. And lastly, I have cried at work (which I hate to do and almost never do) at least once a week for the past month.
Yesterday it hit me over the head like a 2X4 when I choked down hummus and preztels for lunch that I was relapsing and that all of my problems were more depression than stress. And so, I have basically been crying since about 5:00 yesterday. If I am awake, I am crying. Not always sobbing. Just tears welling up in my eyes. I look like shit and feel like it too. I am stupid and came to work today for a meeting at noon. I am talking to my psychiatrist after that and hopefully will go home after that.
This sucks. But you know what’s weird, I almost feel a sense of relief. To know I am not just constantly messing up at work and in over my head is reassuring. I’ll get through this relapse and see where I come out on the other side.