On Tuesday, CNN.com posted an article about UNC’s Inpatient Perinatal Mood Disorders Program which I took advantage of this past summer.  It’s a good article that was interesting and difficult at the same time for me to read. 

The first woman they write about echos similarities with my case of postpartum depression.  “. . . she stopped eating and sleeping herself. She cried continuously. She started throwing up.”  That was definitely me.  I completely lost my appetite and didn’t really eat for about two weeks.  I was sleeping MAYBE 3 hours a night, and just as I was entering the hospital, I felt vomiting wasn’t that far away.  Brushing me teeth made me gag so bad that I dry-heaved, praying at times that I would just vomit. 

“. . . But there are severe cases: women swallowed up by anxiety, who, despite the exhaustion of a newborn, can’t sleep.”  Yup, that was me.  I got to the point that I actually didn’t want to sleep, because it seemed my anxiety would wane through the day, but if I slept, it came back, full force when I’d awake – be it from a nap or sleep overnight.  I’d cringe at Nate’s cries which made cry myself, which made me feel so guilty, which made me cry further.

“But another factor might be that hospitalization can seem like a pretty scary idea.”  That is so true.  So very very true.  I was terrified of going to an inpatient program, terrified of checking myself in, terrified to admit that I was so bad, that I needed inpatient treatment.  I still remember the drive there.  It was late afternoon/early evening on a Thursday when I got the call a bed had opened up and it was reserved for me.  I felt hope and promise, but I also felt fear and anguish.  I ran around the house packing a few last minute items including a family picture taken hours after Nate was born and a picture of Nate all wrapped in his yellow “Nate” blanket.  The drive was short and long all at the same time.  I hate thinking back on it, it makes me feel uneasy, but I did do it, and it was the best thing I’ve done for myself and my family.

I went, and like the women in the article, it worked for me.  I got the medication I needed and some therapy which gave me guidance.  I came home better, but not well.  I am well today.  It took time, and it will continue to take time.  I have another post coming at some point about recovery.  And how I am still recovering. 

Sometimes, it can suck being married to a sous chef.  Like when you’re sick and have a three-month old baby.  I caught Nate’s cold two weeks ago.  TWO WEEKS.  And I still have it, and it may possibly be a sinus infection.  All I want to do is rest, sleep.  Give my body just 24 hours off to recover and recooperate.  But that can’t happen.  Alan works Saturdays and Sundays, the two days I have off.  So, instead of being able to just stay in bed all day and let myself get well, I have to be up and at ‘em to take care of Nate.

However, being married to a sous chef can be very good when you are sick.  Like when they make you homemade chicken noodle soup on their day off.  Alan did that last Monday.  The soup was awesome!  His best chicken noodle soup ever.  Another good thing about being married to a sous chef?  You have the makings for chicken noodle soup – like a chicken carcaus, mirepioux, and chicken breasts -  just laying around at home, so he can whip up a batch any old time. 

Being married to a sous chef does get hard from time to time.  I don’t really ever get a day off.  I go to work Monday through Friday.  Alan’s home Mondays and Tuesdays, so he is there those two evenings to help with Nate.  But the other three days, I get off of work, go get Nate from daycare, and it’s just the two of us.  Then after working all week, I have Nate all to myself Saturday and Sunday.  Alan does get to go in a little later on Sundays, but then I don’t want to sleep in on Sundays and waste what little time I have with my husband asleep.  So, I just keep pushing myself, which then makes these little illnesses last longer.

I’m not complaining, though.  I love Alan and Nate more than I ever thought possible.  I just miss Alan at times and, well, it’s exhausting taking care of a baby! 

Alan is thinking of looking for a new job, one that is closer to home, and hopefully at a place closed on Sundays.  We’ll see what happens. . .

Nate slept through the night!!!!  He went to bed around 8:45 and slept till about 5:15 this morning!  Now, I know some of you wouldn’t call that sleeping through the night, but I am an early bird (or at least used to be before I had Nate and became sleep deprived).  So, 5:15 isn’t that much earlier then I would wake up before I had him.  I hope this continues and wasn’t just a fluke.

After I fed him, I put him back to bed at 5:30, then went and laid in bed for another 15 minutes.   My alarm went off and I got up, slipped into some running gear, grabbed Riley, and we were out the door for a run.  This is my plan for when Nate does sleep through the night.  Go and run with Riley after feeding Nate.  It worked today.  The run was short, only 18 minutes – about 1.5 miles.   I didn’t even run the whole time, did a run/walk, but that’s what you have to do to get back into running shape.

It’s going to take some time to build my running base back up.  I’ve done it before, and I can do it again.  I am starting to get an itch for a spring half-marathon.  I just don’t want to get too ahead of myself.  Training for a half-marathon is very doable when you don’t have a child.  I am just not sure how easy it will be with an infant.  I’m sure Alan and I can work something out so I can get all the runs in.  I just wish there was a bigger running community here in Chapel Hill.  There are no winter training programs that I can find, which is funny to me since even in Chicago CARA has a winter marathon training program.  So, it looks like I’ll be training on my own again.

This week I have really been getting into a groove with Nate and work and life.  It’s been good!  I prepare his bottles in the evening to take to daycare in the morning.  I pack my lunch in the evening and even set the coffee maker up so I am ready to go.  I get up, take the dog out, feed the dog and cat, shower, dress, make Nate’s bottle, make my coffee, wake Nate, feed him, change him, and get him dressed for the day.  Then I have him lay with Alan while I load my briefcase, purse, lunch bag, coffee, and Nate’s bottle bag into the car.  Come back in, load Nate into his car seat, give everyone a kiss goodbye, load Nate into the car and hit the road.  I have bagels and Laughing Cow cheese at my desk, so I eat breakfast when I get in to the office while I sip on my coffee.   

The evenings aren’t quite as structured, but we are establishing a bedtime routine.  If it’s bath night, I feed him rice cereal, give him his bath, put him in his PJ’s, head into his room to give him a final bottle and read him a book.  Then it is time to put him in bed.  I give him a kiss, say, “Good night, sleep tight, see you at morning’s light” and then tell him I love him and set him down.  He goes down without fuss and is usually asleep before I leave the room.  Then I usually go do Wii Fit for about 30 minutes, put all bottles and dishes in the dishwasher, prep the bottles and lunch for the next day, snuggle with the animals for a bit, take Riley out, and then call it a night. 

It feels good to be getting into a groove.  It helps me feel more organized and focused instead of feeling like a chicken running around with its head chopped off.

Nate is really starting to develop and we’re really starting to have some fun with him.  If you smile at him, he smiles back.  Always.  He’ll stop crying to smile back at you, then resumes his crying.  It’s pretty funny when that happens.  When I go to get him out of bed in the morning, he usually gives me a big smile without a moment’s hesitation.  If he doesn’t, I smile at him and wait for him to smile back.  Everyone should get out of bed smiling, what a great way to start the day!

He’s also really into his cooing.  He’ll “talk” to you, or to just the room in general, for upwards of half-an-hour or more.  And he can’t do it without smiling.  If you say, “Ahpoo,” to him, he gets a big grin on his face, kicks his legs, and really stats chatting up a storm.  It cracks me up.  We don’t know what “ahpoo” means to him, but he likes it.

He is just changing so much week to week right now.  He is eating rice cereal once a day and has learned how to properly eat, and not push it all back out with his tongue.  He has a 4 month checkup in a couple of weeks and we’re hoping for the green light to start adding level 1 foods to his diet. 

This really is getting fun!

(expect for the time change, that has totally screwed him up)

Last week I decided it was time for me to buckle down and really commit to being healthier, eating better, working out more, and losing this pregnancy weight.  I worked out on the Wii Fit for at least 30 minutes a day every day for the last week.  I brought my lunch and ate a sensible breakfast.  I portion controlled dinner and was good about drinking water.  And the result?  I lost FIVE POUNDS this week!  Woo hoo!

I am just a few pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight and about ten pounds from where I ultimately want to end up.  Go me!  I’m glad I was able to get my ass in gear and lose some of this before the holiday start.  I got through Halloween without having ONE SINGLE PIECE of Halloween candy, so I think I will be able to make it through the holidays without over indulging as well. 

I am slowly getting back into my pants and jeans.  I can wear some of my size 8’s, but all of my size 10’s.  I hope to get into my super cute, rather small size 8 dark jeans.  If I can fit into those, I am at my goal. 

Katherine Stone over at Postpartum Progess has a running list by state of resources availble to women suffering from perinatal mood disorders.  Having personally taken advantage of the program at UNC, I am happy to see there are more and more resources becoming available.

When I was struck with postpartum depression, it struck rather swiftly and strongly.  I went from functioning, able mother and wife to a lump of tears in just a week.  Some women can overcome postpartum depression with a prescription from their doc and a little time, but that wasn’t working for me.  I dread to think what would have happened, how bad I would have gotten, if I didn’t go to UNC’s program.

Knowing how very important such a program was for my treatment and recovery, I am happy to see there are more and more programs becoming available across the country.  Please, if you need help, if you think you are suffereing from postpartum depression, reach out and get help.  There is no shame and there are resources available to you.  It worked for me, it can work for you.

My birthday was this past Sunday and it was a good one!  I love my birthday, it reminds me of how many people care about me and want the best for me.  I got phone calls, e-mails, and Facebook nods all day long.  It was wonderful!  I also got some awesome presents from Alan, including a Panini press.  Time to make some squished sandwiches!  I just need to find a hearty bread that can stand up to the heft of the squish.

It is tradition in my family to call the birthday boy or girl and sing “Happy Birthday To You”, usually in the most obnoxious manner possible.  My oldest brother and his wife (Brian and Leslie) called and sang the fastest happy birthday (a la Hoops and Yoyo) I’ve ever heard then hung up.  Pretty darn funny.  Then my parents called and did their best out of tune, out of sync happy birthday.  But perhaps the best was my little brother Joe who called and left me a birthday message that sounded like the MovieFone guy.  It went something like, “Hello!  This is a happy birthday message for Erin from her brother Joe.  Wishing you a very happy birthday!”  It cracked me up.

What was different about this birthday than any other was that I am now a mom.  And I have Nate.  He got me the sweetest card (our child is quite advanced for his age, and our animals are amazing as well, they buy birthday cards, too).  I got to snuggle with Nate while I opened the presents from him, Alan, Riley, and Jerry (I told you my family is amazing). 

We opened presents first thing in the morning then had a chill morning.  I headed off to a nice, relaxing, swedish massage at noon, came home, and got ready for my boss’s wedding.  Free food and cake for my birthday?  What more could I ask for???  It was a very nice wedding that I enjoyed being able to attend.  I have heard about the planning for months and HAD to see how it all came together.  It was lovely.  The only odd part was that the reception was dry.  So once the cake was cut, Alan and I went out for drinks with some friends who were at the wedding.

That’s when I ALMOST got in trouble.  They ordered shots (well, shooters) in honor of my birthday, and then the waitress brought me another.  Plus I had two beers.  Now, that may not sound like much to you, but for someone who hasn’t really consumed alcohol for ten months, it’s a lot.  I got a good buzz going, but nothing more.  Woke up Monday morning feeling great! 

Upon returning home Sunday evening, my in-laws brought out a cake and sang happy birthday to me and had me make a wish and blow out the candles.  Want to hear something funny, I can’t remember what I wished for.  I have a wonderful husband, sweet pets, and beautiful, healthy baby boy.  I have a job I enjoy, family and friends I love and that love me.  What more could I really wish for?  I’m pretty stinking happy with the life I have. 

Three months ago today my beautiful son was born.  He’s grown so much!!!!

Autumn is my favorite season, and it has arrived in North Carolina!  The air is crisp and cool in the mornings, leaves are changing to beautiful colors, and I can bust out my sweaters.  I love sweater weather!  It was drizzling yesterday afternoon which just helped create that feeling of wanting to curl up on the couch with a blanket, cocoa, and a good book. 

Nate, Riley and I went for a little stroll in the drizzle with it kissing our faces and dampening our hair.  Nate kept looking up at the trees, taking in all the colors and movement.  He didn’t seem to mind the drizzle either.  We’re going to go for a hike tomorrow with a friend in Duke Forest which hopefully Nate will enjoy as well.  I hope he keeps his eyes open to take in all the glorious colors instead of falling asleep as he usually does in the Baby Bjorn. 

As for me, I can’t wait to get out there in the crisp, cool weather and go for a nice, easy hike.  To take in the fresh air and hear the crunch of newly fallen leaves under my feet.  It even sounds different in the fall.  There is a clarity of sounds outside in the fall.  You can hear a hawk off in the distance or listen to one single leaf fall against a tree or rocks. 

I just LOVE the fall!!!!