Black Box Monday #2 Scheduled!

Woo hoo!  Black Box Monday #2 is already scheduled.  We’ll  be having friends over on December 7 for the second one.  Interesting caveat, they are bringing ALL ingredients (their request).  I will just make sure we have some wine that will hopefully compliment whatever they bring. 

 

Half-Marathon Training Plan

Here’s the half-marathon training schedule I’ve come up with.  Training officially starts on Monday.  I am going to try to go for a two-mile run (week 0) on Saturday.  I just need to get my lazy butt out of bed and on the road in the mornings.  One thing that would help is if I started going to bed at a reasonable hour.  That has not happened since some time last week, and I am starting to feel the effects. 

The plan below is a modification of Jeff Galloway’s half-marathon training program.

Week	Mon	Tues	Wed	Thurs	Fri	Sat	Sun
0	30 min run	off	25 min run	brisk walk	off	2 miles	off
1	30 min run	off	25 min run	brisk walk	off	3 miles	off
2	30 min run	off	30 min run	brisk walk	off	4 miles	off
3	30 min run	off	30 min run	brisk walk	off	5 miles	off
4	30 min run	off	30 min run	brisk walk	off	2.5 miles	off
5	30 min run	off	30 min run	brisk walk	off	6.5 miles	off
6	30 min run	off	30 min run	brisk walk	off	3 miles	off
7	30 min run	off	30 min run	brisk walk	off	8 miles	off
8	30 min run	off	30 min run	brisk walk	off	3 miles	off
9	30 min run	off	30 min run	brisk walk	off	9.5 miles	off
10	30 min run	off	30 min run	brisk walk	off	4 miles	off
11	30 min run	off	30 min run	brisk walk	off	11 miles	off
12	30 min run	off	30 min run	brisk walk	off	4 miles	off
13	30 min run	off	30 min run	brisk walk	off	20K	off
14	30 min run	off	30 min run	brisk walk	off	4 miles	off
15	30 min run	off	30 min run	brisk walk	off	14 miles	off
16	30 min run	off	30 min run	brisk walk	off	5 miles	off
17	30 min run	off	30 min run	brisk walk	off	Race Day!	off

 

One? Both? Neither?

I’ve found two later winter/early spring long-distance races that I am thinking about registering for.  One is the Coach Bubba 20K in Durham on February 20 and the other is the Tobacco Road Half-Marathon in Cary on March 21.  The Coach Bubba race is 13 weeks away, which means I need to get my ass into gear and start training yesterday if I want to do it. 

I definitely have time to train for the half-marathon in March.  But I’m thinking the 20K could be a great warm up race for the half, since 20K is about 12.4 miles, just shy of the 13.1 half-marathon.  I know of at least one friend doing the Tobacco Road race, and it is always fun to run the same races as friends and meet up afterwards for brunch/lunch.  And there is a second friend I suspect is going to register for it.  Argh!  Decisions, decisions.

And you know what’s funny?  I KNOW what I am going to do.  It’s like when I was flip-flopping on the spring marathon I did in 2008.  I know I am going to register for both, so why the silly internal struggle?  Why the doubt?  Bite the bullet, Erin!  Register for BOTH!!!!

 

Signs of Postpartum Depression in Plain English

See, I told you I was going to get ideas for posts from other blogs.  I know I’ve been writing about postpartum depression a fair amount lately, but it’s because I was so impacted by it, and am so motivated to help other women if at all possible by sharing my experience.  Kathryn Stone at Postpartum Progress posted a list of symptoms of PPD in plain English.  I’m sharing the list here and commenting on each item from my own personal experience. 

• You feel overwhelmed.  Not like “hey, this new mom thing is hard.”  More like “I can’t do this and I’m never going to be able to do this.”  You feel like you just can’t handle being a mother.  In fact, you may be wondering whether you should have become a mother in the first place.   – Oh my goodness, yes!  I really was completely and totally overwhelmed and as much as I hate to admit this, I remember at one point saying to Alan, “What were we thinking having a baby?”  Oh god, that was awful feeling and I felt horrible for saying it out loud.  But, I am willing to admit that now knowing that it was a symptom and not ME. 
• You feel guilty because you believe you should be handling new motherhood better than this.  You feel like your baby deserves better.  You worry whether your baby can tell that you feel so bad, or that you are crying so much, or that you don’t feel the happiness or connection that you thought you would.  You may wonder whether your baby would be better off without you.  – Yup, I was consumed by guilt.   I was terrified that Nate could sense how sad I was and that it would negatively impact him.  I also felt guilty for being “weak” and not able to overcome the “baby blues” on my own. 
• You don’t feel bonded to your baby.  You’re not having that mythical mommy bliss that you see on TV or read about in magazines.  – I didn’t really have this, although at times I was just on automatic pilot in taking care of Nate, not really pausing to enjoy this precious little baby I had created with my wonderful husband.
• You can’t understand why this is happening.  You are very confused and scared.  – Yes, I couldn’t help but wonder, “Why me?”  I also was scared of ever being able to take good care of Nate, and convinced there was no way I could ever go back to work AND take care of Nate.  That’s what hurt the most in some ways.
• You feel irritated or angry.  You have no patience.  Everything annoys you.  You feel resentment toward your baby, or your partner, or your friends who don’t have babies.  You feel out-of-control rage.   – This is one symptom I didn’t have.  Or at least I don’t think I did.  Alan may be the only one that can truly say.  There is a lot about that time I just don’t remember, it’s blacked out.
• You feel nothing.  Emptiness.  You are just going through the motions.  – Yes, yes, and yes.  It was awful.
• You feel sadness to the depths of your soul.  You can’t stop crying, even when there’s no real reason to be crying. – Yes, yes, yes, yes ,yes.  It was horrible.  Awful.  The worse I have ever felt, the hardest I have ever cried in my life.  Sobbing for no reason.  At times I was crying because I was crying.  Other times it was crying out of pure frustration of the situation.  Sobbing that I just wanted to get better. 
• You feel hopeless, like this situation will never ever get better.  You feel weak and defective.  You feel like a failure.  – Yes.  Yes.  Yes.  Oh god, how awful it was and how it really hurts to even think back.  I didn’t see how I could ever get better.  Especially those days BEFORE I went to UNC.  Every day was worse than the prior.  Have you seen Office Space?  Where Peter tells the hypnotist every day is the worse day of his life?  That was me, every singe day was worse than the prior.
• You can’t bring yourself to eat, or perhaps the only thing that makes you feel better is eating.  – I barely ate for two weeks.  Lack of appetite is how my PPD began.  On my fourth day of not really eating is when I called my mother-in-law to come help out.  I was so hungry I was physically weak, but I could NOT make myself eat.  Alan couldn’t understand this and got angry with me.  I wanted to eat, I wanted so very badly to eat, because the few times I could eat something, I did feel better, if only for a little while. 
• You can’t sleep when the baby sleeps, nor can you sleep at any other time. – I slept about 3 hours a night for the first month of Nate’s life.  I just couldn’t sleep.  Or maybe you can fall asleep, but you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep no matter how tired you are.   -  Yes, this is part of why I only slept 3 hours in a 24 hour period.  Or maybe all you can do is sleep and you can’t seem to stay awake to get the most basic things done. - This was where I was the day before I went into the hospital.  I had almost given up taking care of Nate, leaving it to my mother-in-law and Alan and I chose to sleep.  Well, they thought I was sleeping, but it really was me just laying in bed, praying for sleep, and staring at the wall.   Whichever it is, your sleeping is completely screwed up, and it’s not just because you have a newborn.
• You can’t concentrate.  You can’t focus.  You can’t think of the words you want to say.  You can’t remember what you were supposed to do.  You can’t make a decision.  You feel like you’re in a fog. – I got annoyed with Alan at times if he asked me to make a decision, especially ones related to food.  He asked what I wanted to eat and I just wanted someone to tell me what to eat.  To tell me what to do.  That’s what Alan, my mother-in-law, and the social worker were doing the day(s) before I went to the hospital.  And that fog?  That’s why so much of Nate’s first month of life is kind of muddled and a black out for me.  I hate that I missed so much of it, but am grateful I got help so early in the grand scheme of things.
• You feel disconnected.  You feel strangely apart from everyone for some reason, like there’s an invisible wall between you and the rest of the world. – I didn’t realize it at the time, but thinking back, this is a perfect way to describe it.
• Maybe you’re doing everything right.  You are exercising.  You are taking your vitamins.  You have a healthy spirituality.  You do yoga.  You’re thinking “Why can’t I just get over this?”   You feel like you should be able to snap out of it, but you can’t. – once the PPD sunk in, I was just trying to survive, not even trying to do anything right.  I wanted so badly to snap out of it.  Thought if just one day I could eat three square meals, or just get 8 hours of sleep, something, anything like that I would get better.  But I didn’t.  I ate less, slept less, and felt worse every day.
• You might be having thoughts of running away and leaving your family behind.  Or you’ve thought of driving off the road, or taking too many pills, or finding some other way to end this misery.  Or you may have thoughts of harming others.  – I never had any thoughts of harm, but I did have thoughts of getting away (not running away for good, just getting away for a break).  The Wednesday before I went to the hospital, I knew my folks were coming to visit that weekend and they were planning to stay in a hotel.  I wanted to just go to their hotel room, by myself, and sleep all weekend.
• You know something is wrong.  You may not know you have a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder, but you know the way you are feeling is NOT right.  You think you’ve “gone crazy”. – I didn’t think I had gone crazy, but I definitely knew something was not right and that I was in a very very bad way.
• You are afraid that this is your new reality and that you’ve lost the “old you” forever. – Yep.  Couldn’t really even remember who the old me was.  I just the state of affairs was the new normal and that I would never feel better.
• You are afraid that if you reach out for help people will judge you.  Or that your baby will be taken away.  – Yes, I was afraid to check myself in to the hospital for fear being judged, as being viewed as “weak”.  I was afraid of the stigma that would be attached to me and to my family.  I never thought my baby would be taken away per se – but I feared losing my family if I didn’t do something.  Anything.  And so, I did.

It’s been hard to go through this list and share my experience because I hate going back to that place, even if only in my mind.  I can still feel the emotional pain, but hopefully by sharing, I can help others.  I think it also acts as therapy for me to some level.  The more I talk about it, the more I get it out of me.  Kind of like when you’ve had too much to drink, if you throw up enough times, you feel better because it’s no longer in you.  Gross, I know, but that’s kind of how this is.

 

Black Box Monday #1

We hosted our first Black Box Monday last night.  Alan did not know any of the ingredients that were going to be brought to him and didn’t do any prep at all during the day.  Sarah and Carl arrived around 6:30 and that’s when we had the unveiling. 

• Protein
  • 12 Raw Gulf Shrimp shell on
  • 4 – 4oz filets of wild sockeye salmon
• Veg
  • Kuri squash
  • Purple sweet potato
  • Baby carrots (a joke from Carl)
• Carb = taboule
• Fruit = 4 Bosc pears
• Mercy = fresh seafood medley herb pack (I realized that we were out of fresh herbs at home and we usually do have them around)

 In under and hour-and-a-half Alan made an incredible three-course meal

• Purple Sweet Potato medallions with romesco sauce topped with poached shrimp
• Salmon with pear taboule and kuri squash-chervil cream sauce
• White wine poached pears with homemade vanilla ice cream

Can I just say, “YUM!”?

To see photos and read Alan’s angle, check out his blog here.

I unveiled the shrimp and salmon then Carl and Sarah revealed the taboule and . . . baby carrots.   Like ten of them.  Alan just kind of went, “Okay” and you could see the wheels churning.  That’s when Carl started laughing and went out to the car to get the real veggies.  Sarah and Carl did an awesome job of researching seasonal items and finding beautiful, color goodies.  I’ve never heard of kuri squash or purple sweet potatoes and they were both delicious!  I’m excited because we have extra purple sweet potato medallions at home that I think we’ll have with dinner tonight.

Once the real ingredients were out in the open, Alan went to town.  It was very much like Top Chef or Iron Chef in that first he grabbed a note pad and paper and wrote down his ideas.  Then he started moving quickly through the kitchen as he grabbed ingredients for the cupboard, pantry, and freezer.  I offered to help which he didn’t accept.  I don’t know if it was because Alan wanted to the challenge all by himself or that I would just get in the way – I think it was a little bit of both.

It was almost like dinner theater.  Carl, Sarah and I sipped on white wine and chatted while we watched Alan was busy at work.  That hour-and-a-half flew by!  He was constantly moving and had three things going at once at times.  It was just so fascinating to watch.  I’ve never been able to just stand in the kitchen at Alan’s job and watch him work, so it was interesting to have a glimpse of his intensity at home.  When he’s cooking, he’s cooking and not much else.  He doesn’t really participate in conversations too much as he is busy concentrating on the task at hand, thinking ahead to determine what needed to be done next. 

The meal was an enormous success and was delicious!  I can’t wait until our next Black Box Monday!

 

Four-month checkup

Nate had his four-month checkup today and he is a very healthy 4 month old trapped in a 6 month old’s body!  His height and weight are in the 95th percentile for a four month old.  He weighs17 pounds, 12 ounces and is 26 3/4 inches long.  I asked the doctor if she walked through the waiting room and passed him how old she would guess he is, and she said 6 months!  His height and weight are in the 50th percentile for a 6.5 month old.  She said that means we should be buying him clothes in the 6 – 9 month range, which I have done.  So, he is a big baby!  Given that his height and weight are proportional, she said she is very comfortable with his weight.  And combined with Alan’s and my stature, she is even more comfortable since we are both tall and lean.

 

Nate got three vaccinations today – two shots and one oral.  He did fairly well with them.  He cried at the shots, but calmed down rather quickly afterwards.  It went much better than the first round of shots two months ago.  He goes back for another round of immunizations including the seasonal flu shot at the end of January.  In the meantime, the doctor wants Alan and I to both get the H1N1 vaccination as we are his means of defense and it is apparently highly contagious.

 

We can add a multi grain cereal to his diet.  Apparently there was some study in Switzerland or Sweden where they found the sooner a baby is introduced to wheat, the less likely it is that they will develop a wheat allergy later in life.  She said to completely and totally avoid eggs, nuts of any kind, honey, seafood, and citrus fruits/juices for now.  I mentioned Zach’s peanut/tree nut and egg allergies and she didn’t seem concerned about Nate being more susceptible to those allergies.

 

Nate continues to be a very happy baby who likes to smile and coo and we’ve even gotten two or three quick giggles/laughs out of him.  He is very alert, looks us in the eye, watches Riley and Jerry, and watches if one of us enters or leaves the room.  For the most part he is sleeping through the night – from about 8:00 PM to 5:00 AM.  At 5:00 AM he wants a bottle and then goes back to sleep for another 1 – 3 hours.  He is very good at bedtime and seems to like the general routine.  I’ll put him to bed by 8:00 even if he doesn’t look tired.  Sunday night I did it and he laid in bed talking to himself for about 15 or 20 minutes and then fell asleep.  Then this morning I got up, showered, took care of the animals, cleaned the kitchen, then went into Nate’s room to wake him and feed him.  Well he was laying in bed awake, looking at his hands and smiling.  Really?   How did we get such a good baby?  We are so lucky!

 

When that little baby smiles, my heart soars.  He is so adorable and a true joy.  We just love him so very much!!!!

 

More posts to come – hopefully!

I enjoy blogging.  I really do.  I just feel that I am not a very good writer.  I want to be, I feel I used to be way back in high school when I was a suffering teenager.  Perhaps I am too happy these days to be a good writer.  just kidding.  But I definitely feel like I have room to grow.  I read blogs like Dooce.com, Girls Gone Child, Desperate Chefs’ Wives, and Will Write When Possible and in awe of the wit, beauty, support, and interest in their words.  I feel like if I write a post more like Rebecca’s at GGC, then I am ripping her off and writing in my own “style”.  My blog just doesn’t have the focus like Hilary at DCW .  My friend Sara does an amazing job of writing about all sorts of things at WWWP and I just don’t have the sass to write like Heather at Dooce (or the eye and camera to take the amazing pictures she takes).

I have so many ideas of things to write about, and that’s becoming more and more my approach to this blog.  To just write what’s on my mind about being a mom, recovering from PPD, being married, being married to a sous chef, running, training for a race, food, dining, whatever it is that I do when I go, Erin go!  However, I have started so many posts that I only end up deleting because I lose the idea I was going for, the vibe.  I want to write more often, off the cuff if need be, to refine my writing skills.  Practice makes perfect, right? 

One thing I may do which I am torn about is somewhat stealing ideas for posts from other blogs and from Momversation.com.  There are so many good topics out there that I have wanted to write about after reading or viewing some topics, but don’t want to rip people off.  I need to get over that because I think there are some interesting things I have to say about topics I’ve read about.  So, that’s what I’m going to do.  One topic I want to write about which I got the idea from Postpartum Progress is whether or not to have a second after suffering from PPD after the first.  It is something Alan and I have discussed and I would like to both share those thoughts with my readers and work through a few more thoughts, which writing helps me do.

So, I am going to try to write more posts and cover more topics.  For me.  For my enjoyment.  For my sanity at times.  And for the beauty of words.

Hope you enjoy!

 

Black Box Mondays – coming soon!

Alan and I are having friends over for dinner on Monday.  But instead of Alan simply making us dinner, we’re throwing a curve ball.  We’re doing a black box/Iron Chef/Top Chef type of dinner.  The diners (excluding Alan) will be providing the ingredients.  I’m providing the protein while Sarah and Carl are providing carbs, veggies, and possibly fruit – really whatever they’d like Alan to cook.  It’s up to them.  Sarah knows what I have in mind for the protein(s), so we should end up with complimentary ingredients.

Here are the ground rules.  Alan can use any ingredients we have in the house, but can’t go stock up on “fancy” items in preparation.  Sure, we have some foie gras in the freezer, but that wasn’t purchased for this particular meal, it’s just something we tend to have in the house (jealous?).  I do need to go buy butter and onions, as these are items we always have around, but I used up on Wednesday.  I will also be purchasing one or two bottles of red and white wine, but that’s mainly for drinking.  If Alan decides he needs a little to cook with, he can use his glass of wine instead of drinking it. 

I am quite excited about it, as is Alan.  It should be a treat.  I also think it will be an interesting challenge for Alan.  He makes some incredible meals at home, but he’ll spend all day on them making sauces, reductions, stocks, whatever.  This will be challenging since I won’t get home with my ingredients until about 5:00, and we haven’t decided yet on a time for Sarah and Carl to show up, but we certainly don’t want to be eating dinner at 10:00!

 

CNN.com covers UNC’s Inpatient Perinatal Mood Disorders Program

On Tuesday, CNN.com posted an article about UNC’s Inpatient Perinatal Mood Disorders Program which I took advantage of this past summer.  It’s a good article that was interesting and difficult at the same time for me to read. 

The first woman they write about echos similarities with my case of postpartum depression.  “. . . she stopped eating and sleeping herself. She cried continuously. She started throwing up.”  That was definitely me.  I completely lost my appetite and didn’t really eat for about two weeks.  I was sleeping MAYBE 3 hours a night, and just as I was entering the hospital, I felt vomiting wasn’t that far away.  Brushing me teeth made me gag so bad that I dry-heaved, praying at times that I would just vomit. 

“. . . But there are severe cases: women swallowed up by anxiety, who, despite the exhaustion of a newborn, can’t sleep.”  Yup, that was me.  I got to the point that I actually didn’t want to sleep, because it seemed my anxiety would wane through the day, but if I slept, it came back, full force when I’d awake – be it from a nap or sleep overnight.  I’d cringe at Nate’s cries which made cry myself, which made me feel so guilty, which made me cry further.

“But another factor might be that hospitalization can seem like a pretty scary idea.”  That is so true.  So very very true.  I was terrified of going to an inpatient program, terrified of checking myself in, terrified to admit that I was so bad, that I needed inpatient treatment.  I still remember the drive there.  It was late afternoon/early evening on a Thursday when I got the call a bed had opened up and it was reserved for me.  I felt hope and promise, but I also felt fear and anguish.  I ran around the house packing a few last minute items including a family picture taken hours after Nate was born and a picture of Nate all wrapped in his yellow “Nate” blanket.  The drive was short and long all at the same time.  I hate thinking back on it, it makes me feel uneasy, but I did do it, and it was the best thing I’ve done for myself and my family.

I went, and like the women in the article, it worked for me.  I got the medication I needed and some therapy which gave me guidance.  I came home better, but not well.  I am well today.  It took time, and it will continue to take time.  I have another post coming at some point about recovery.  And how I am still recovering. 

 

 

Being sick and married to a sous chef

Sometimes, it can suck being married to a sous chef.  Like when you’re sick and have a three-month old baby.  I caught Nate’s cold two weeks ago.  TWO WEEKS.  And I still have it, and it may possibly be a sinus infection.  All I want to do is rest, sleep.  Give my body just 24 hours off to recover and recooperate.  But that can’t happen.  Alan works Saturdays and Sundays, the two days I have off.  So, instead of being able to just stay in bed all day and let myself get well, I have to be up and at ‘em to take care of Nate.

However, being married to a sous chef can be very good when you are sick.  Like when they make you homemade chicken noodle soup on their day off.  Alan did that last Monday.  The soup was awesome!  His best chicken noodle soup ever.  Another good thing about being married to a sous chef?  You have the makings for chicken noodle soup – like a chicken carcaus, mirepioux, and chicken breasts -  just laying around at home, so he can whip up a batch any old time. 

Being married to a sous chef does get hard from time to time.  I don’t really ever get a day off.  I go to work Monday through Friday.  Alan’s home Mondays and Tuesdays, so he is there those two evenings to help with Nate.  But the other three days, I get off of work, go get Nate from daycare, and it’s just the two of us.  Then after working all week, I have Nate all to myself Saturday and Sunday.  Alan does get to go in a little later on Sundays, but then I don’t want to sleep in on Sundays and waste what little time I have with my husband asleep.  So, I just keep pushing myself, which then makes these little illnesses last longer.

I’m not complaining, though.  I love Alan and Nate more than I ever thought possible.  I just miss Alan at times and, well, it’s exhausting taking care of a baby! 

Alan is thinking of looking for a new job, one that is closer to home, and hopefully at a place closed on Sundays.  We’ll see what happens. . .