stages of grief April 26, 2013

I am in a state of depression. I think it is a bit of relapse of my post partum depression, I think it is a bit of reaction to the cancer scare with Lindsay, and I think some of it is the loss of my dad in July 2011. I think I stuck somewhere in the anger/depression stage(s) of grief. I am angry that he died. Not angry at him, but angry that he died and other horrible people and people who don’t take care of themselves (chain smoking, massive binge drinking, doing drugs, whatever) who are still alive.

I am also depressed that he died. He was not only my dad, but also my friend and my mentor. I am lost at times without him. I don’t know if this is normal nearly 2 years out or not. But I am pissed and I’m going to say it, “IT’S NOT FUCKING FAIR!”

April 24, 2013 April 24, 2013

Alan and I had a fabulous party this past weekend celebrating 20 years together as a couple (not our 20 year wedding anniversary as a few people thought, dear god, that would have meant I got married in high school!). We had a wonderful time seeing so many friends and family come together. The idea came from my dad’s visitation after his death. We saw so many people we hadn’t seen for years and thought how sad it is that you only get together like that for funerals. I’m thinking our friends should each take a year once every three years or so and host something. Alan and I wouldn’t mind hosting, we’d just feel bad making people travel to us all the time.

Now that the party is over and the last of our guests have headed home, it is time to really focus on taking care of me. And I haven’t got a clue as to where to start. I feel lost and directionless. I am still screwing up simple things, taking the wrong way to get places, forgetting words, and not able to keep simple tasks straight in my head. I am starting with sleep. Just trying to get at least 8 hours of sleep a night. Yesterday I also took a 3 hour nap. It’s amazing how tired I am even with all the sleep.

I have withdrawn from my grad school class this semester. I can’t think straight enough to grasp the concepts and don’t want to have the added stress of the class hindering my recovery. I am deferring at least until the summer semester, but need to contact the school and defer until the fall semester. In the mean time, I am going to try to read the text at my own pace so that when I finally do get around to taking the class, I am one step ahead.

Another thing that has come back is the desire to cut myself. And I hate it. I don’t act on it, but the desire is there at times. And it scares me. I don’t want to die, and I really don’t want to hurt myself, but I want to cut. My therapist has explained that it is emotional pain trying to find a way out. She said I need to take a day, stay in bed, and allow myself to process the cancer scare we went through with Lindsay (which is probably the trigger for this relapse). I need to cry and I need to grieve. I am starting to think that “being brave” through things like that is bullshit and if I need to cry, I am going to fucking cry. Being brave is facing the fear of my child possibly having cancer and letting myself show that fear.

I know I am rambling, and sometimes, that’s what I need to do. So there you go, my thoughts for today.

Taking some time off April 18, 2013

My performance at work and at home have hit such a low, my doctor, boss, and I decided it was time for me to take a leave of absence from work. Today is my second day on leave and I can see that I am not well. I took Nate to preschool today and completely missed where to turn. I use a house as a landmark to find the road to turn onto, and never noticed the house this morning. Then this afternoon Alan, Lindsay and I all headed to get Nate (it was spring festival potluck at his preschool today, very cute!) and once again, I didn’t see the house.

Lindsay and I headed to the grocery store after dropping Nate off. I made two quick stops before the grocery store and the whole outing took over 90 minutes. I should have taken me 20 minutes.

I got a solid 9 hours of sleep last night, took a 3.5 hour nap this afternoon and am exhausted and ready for bed at 10:00 (to be honest, I was ready to go to sleep at 8:00 tonight). I severely need sleep and lots of it. The combination of lots of sleep and rest plus an increase in medication will hopefully get me well again.

My best friend had a great idea that three days a week, I take for me to take care of me. That taking care of me (and not the family) on those days will be my job. Be it sleeping, resting, running, exercising, studying, whatever will help me. Then the other four days of the week I can be right there with Alan and the kids all day. I think it is a good idea and will be a good balance.

Relapse April 12, 2013

It caught me off guard, but it happened. I’m relapsing. Work has been very stressful recently, plus we had a cancer scare with Lindsay, so that was terrifying. Because of all the stress, I didn’t noticed me slipping. My self confidence was getting down at work, which is so unlike me. My work itself was of a lesser quality than I usually do, which was frustrating me. I was having problems remembering things at work, which I attributed to being stressed. I couldn’t make decisiions at work, which again, I attributed to being stressed. This week I started losing my appetite and waking up with an overwhelming sense of dread, which silly me, attributed to stress at work. And lastly, I have cried at work (which I hate to do and almost never do) at least once a week for the past month.

Yesterday it hit me over the head like a 2X4 when I choked down hummus and preztels for lunch that I was relapsing and that all of my problems were more depression than stress. And so, I have basically been crying since about 5:00 yesterday. If I am awake, I am crying. Not always sobbing. Just tears welling up in my eyes. I look like shit and feel like it too. I am stupid and came to work today for a meeting at noon. I am talking to my psychiatrist after that and hopefully will go home after that.

This sucks. But you know what’s weird, I almost feel a sense of relief. To know I am not just constantly messing up at work and in over my head is reassuring. I’ll get through this relapse and see where I come out on the other side.

Still here February 7, 2013

I’m still here but Insanity is on hold. I am in the thick of budget season and have been working crazy hours. I need my sleep more than the workout at the moment. The worst should be behind me in a week, so I plan to restart Insanity, from the beginning, on February 18.

Insanity – Day 5 January 26, 2013

Day 5 was supposed to be Insanity pure cardio. I chose sleep. I know, I know. But you do get one rest day a week with Insanity, I took it a couple of days early. Back on track tomorrow!

Insanity – Day 4

Insanity day 4 was a recovery day that was more stretching than anything else. And it felt good! Surprisingly, I still burned about 200 calories. Not too shabby.